Family and The Importance of Healthy Relationships
This might seem like a 180 from what is normally discussed here, but there can be a moral dilemma when thinking about how we should treat family and friends. This comes from a personal situation in which a family member has ruined the “family dynamic” and made it unbearable to be around them. I do not want to get too into it, but the situation has allowed me to re-evaluate what family means and how we should treat others.
Societally, an unhealthy relationship is seen as one or both individuals being disrespectful, dishonest, a form of control, or forms of abusive behavior. When we talk about abusive relationships we are referring to verbal or mental abuse, not sexual or physical. Obviously, sexual and physical abuse is an abusive relationship, but in this post, we are not going to tackle them. As all of these things can be true, I believe an unhealthy relationship starts before those points when the relationship becomes exclusively beneficial. In other terms, when the relationship only benefits one person. This benefit can come as providing services, help, happiness, and other positives. Unhealthy relationships include there being a negative, but also include when there is not a positive.
In general, any relationship, specifically with family or friends, should be mutually beneficial. A relationship being beneficial can include having a friend or family member with whom a mutual liking and enjoyment of being around exists. As long as you both like being around each other and that relationship provides some positive for both parties, that is considered a healthy relationship. A relationship should start with that. If you do not like someone you should not have a relationship with them. Friendships can be easier to step away from, but stepping away from a family member can get a little more convoluted.
Throughout my experience growing up, I was always taught blood is thicker than water, meaning familial bonds will always be stronger than other relationships. Family is to be viewed as the most important relationship to exist. Although I believe this is true to a certain extent, I also believe friends can become family even if there are no blood relations. Rather than viewing the family as just a blood relation, the family should be considered to include people who only have healthy relationships with one another. We still put a heavy importance on family, but we can choose who we want to be in our family.
Even if you are blood-related to someone, if you have an unhealthy or abusive relationship with them, then I would not consider that to be a familial relationship. Maybe it is more complicated than just being in a healthy or unhealthy relationship, but if someone views you to be a part of their family, an unhealthy relationship should not exist. If you genuinely dislike a family member, you should not be forced to interact and have a relationship with them based solely on the fact that they are related to you.
Someone who I truly consider to be a friend I would also consider to be family. The reason for this is that I am not going to treat a friend any differently than a family member. I would do just as much for a friend as I would for a family member. My family are my friends and my friends are my family. If I do not enjoy being around you or would not go out of my way to do things I would do for my friends/family, you are not my friend or my family. Friendships and family relationships are a two-way street. If a relationship is only beneficial for one individual, that is not a healthy relationship or a relationship that should be considered familial or friendly.
Okay, so now what? Other than explaining how friends and family should treat one another, it is important to know that just because someone is your family it does not mean you have to have a relationship with them. Unless it is an abusive relationship, you might have to tolerate them at family functions to appease your actual family, it is okay to not consider them to be family. Now I am not suggesting we all go out and kick some family members out, but if you have been thinking about your personal relationships with family, I want you to know it is okay to feel the way you feel. As someone who is currently struggling with this, being pulled in multiple directions by different family members, I want to let you know it is okay to let go.